I wrote this a couple of days ago in my daily writing session and thought I would do my bit to raise awareness – it is written from the heart and completely unedited.

I saw a link on facebook the other day about October being Domestic Violence awareness month.  It seems every week or month is an awareness something or other!  I changed the title to domestic abuse because when we hear violence we think about physical abuse yet the emotional and verbal abuse can be far more scarring.

I am a lot more open than I used to be about my feelings and what is going on in my life so when I saw this link it made me realise that I don’t talk much the abuse I suffered in my marriage.  Not that I am bitter or want to dwell on it, it’s in the past now (apart from the odd incident as I still have to have contact with him) but it still goes on and a lot of people – for obvious reasons – cannot talk about it.

I was married for 15 years, we didn’t live together first as my parents did not approve so we thought we might as well get married anyway as we were already engaged.  When I first moved in with him it was a complete shock as I realised I did not really know this man.  Looking back I can see that he was (and still is) very insecure which made him very controlling.  I also suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum because he hated anything to change and everything had to be done his way.

Because of my upbringing and the conventions of the time (which were slowly changing) I believed that I had an obligation to make my marriage work.  I knew deep down I didn’t love him but I could not put my finger on why because I did when we first met and I couldn’t find any rational reason so put it down to pre-wedding nerves.  This was probably my first lesson that you should always trust your instincts!

I knew after about 12 years (I had thought about leaving him before this but ended up pregnant) I had to get out for me and for my children.  The language he used used to upset me and he did not temper it in front of the kids.  After he had gone off on one of his rages he would always be apologetic but I wanted him to promise not to do it again but he wouldn’t and so the cycle went on.

I was too afraid to talk to anyone about it and probably stayed with him for so long because I was afraid what he would do if I left.  He used to put me down all the time and I always felt that he wanted to me to be someone I wasn’t.  I was guilty of that too because I wanted a loving, affectionate husband but because of his autism issues I realise that that would never have happened.  I realised I was happier when he wasn’t there – he used to work abroad a lot so then I prayed and prayed to have the strength to end it.

I love the way the universe conspires to make things happen if they are for our higher good.  The day I made the decision (I still remember the date – 21^st June 2001) I got a mosquito bite on my wedding finger so couldn’t wear my ring and lost the stone in my engagement ring.  I’m not sure if it was a sign but to me it was very portentous.

I cannot say how much the prayers worked, whether you believe in God or not they certainly gave me inner strength.  From all the put-downs and belittling I had put up with (often in front of other people) I had lost a lot of my confidence.  If someone continually tells you that you are useless you start to believe it!  It was also difficult because he was the breadwinner and terrible with money so that caused a lot of friction too.  He was away a lot and the kids were little so it was difficult for me to get work that would make it worth my while after child care costs.  How different things are now with the rise of the internet for business!

It took him nearly a year to move out – and then that was only because he met someone else.  It is very sad for anyone to be so insecure that they are afraid to be on their own. I now know that if you don’t love and respect yourself you won’t be able to respect others in the same way.

As I said I don’t feel bitter, I have learnt a lot from the experience and am a lot stronger as a result.  I know I took a lot of my resentment out on my eldest son and I would do anything to take that back but I can’t.  We are a lot closer now and I can love him for who he is.  I suppose I was also lucky that there wasn’t a real physical threat although he did use his size (he is a lot taller than me) to his advantage.

I used to cry going into university and work and often at night in bed nearly every day.  The crunch came when he had been away for a few months and I noticed that I hadn’t been crying any more.  I used to hate it the way the kids used to go and hide upstairs when he was having one of his rages and if I ever cuddled them he would accuse me of hiding behind them! Shocking I realise as I write this but having brought the kids up practically on my own we are very close.

No one should have to live in fear so I hope that the issues are brought more into people’s awareness this month and more people have the courage to move on.

They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit – 2 down 19 to go.  I looked back over what I had written yesterday and I could not remember much of it – interesting what happens when you write from the heart. As it took the form of a letter I am still in 2 minds whether to send it. Perhaps readers you can leave your thoughts in the comment box below.

Today I have been writing about happiness and my take on it – a big subject and loads more to say!

Toodle-pip! xx

 

…and take action!

Following on from yesterday’s post I said I had decided I was going to write a book. Although I have lots of ideas I don’t know yet what it is going to be about specifically. After meditating this morning I was talking to one of my friends and he said he had been thinking about writing a book too. We discussed ways about going about it and decided that it was probably best just to write something every day. I believe that is what professional writers do even though they may not be feeling inspired.

So I took my laptop and sat in my living room having set the timer on the cooker for 25 minutes and started writing. We had discussed the merits of writing by hand or typing. I originally thought writing by hand would be better but then decided against it because my handwriting is not very legible! Also this way I can keep it all in a folder on the laptop, in date order and see how it evolves.

I just wrote from the heart and what came up did surprise me slightly. I am not going to say exactly what because it was quite personal. I realised after I had written a couple of paragraphs that I was actually writing a letter. I didn’t edit it at all. I’m not sure if I will send it but the universe knows I have written it. Can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!

Be careful how you treat people on the way up; you may meet them on the way back down.

We are often afraid to say what’s on our mind but it usually pays off.  I find the more I speak out the more the fear disappears.  I also love a bit of controversy!

Today I went to the Mumpreneur’s Mums in Business Conference in Brighton.  I went mainly to hear Annabel Karmel speak because of my interest in gluten free products but also to network.  I think it’s important to come away from these sort of events with a definite action to take that is going to improve yourself or your business even if it’s just a small step in the right direction.  I attended a business planning workshop in July and we set our goals for 5 years’, 3 years’ and 1 year’s time.  We had to write 3 big goals, I could think of 2 so for a 3rd I just wrote ‘write a book.’  It’s funny what comes up sometimes because I hadn’t even thought about it before!

One of the speakers today was Mel McGee author of Millionaire Mumpreneurs who helps mums make money online.  I love social media; yesterday I launched my online tv channel and will soon be starting an online radio show as well as the usual twitter, facebook page, youtube and blog.  Therefore the next natural step in becoming an ‘author-ity’ in my niche is to write a book.  I am not sure exactly what shape this book is going to take yet but I trust that it will happen!

When I first started out with my gluten free shop about 4 years ago I came across another start-up website called notonthehighstreet.com which brings together a range of unique products from small businesses.  I contacted them about putting a few of my products on the website and in reply I received a very cursory (verging on rude) e-mail with no signature.  I realised at the time they were a new business so I replied with a bit of feedback also pointing out that it is a legal requirement to have company information on an e-mail.  I received no reply to this and was left with a very negative impression of this company.

Since then I hadn’t given it much thought until I noticed that one of the founders, Sophie Cornish, was one of a panel of ‘inspirational case studies’ (the conference organisers’ words, not mine) who each did a short presentation of their business followed by a question and answer session.  Sophie spoke first telling of how their business had grown and is now turning over (not sure about profit though) a few £million a year.  The other speakers were Sam Willoughby of WhatsOn4 – an online directory of activities for children and parents which is now being franchised all over the world; Alex Stone founder of a marketing consultancy Just Too Busy and Alexandra Walton a Happiness Expert and Author who has also worked on the X-factor.  It was interesting to note that these 3 and the MC were genuinely passionate about their businesses and speaking from the heart because they were always smiling and their faces lit up.  Sophie on the other hand was very tense and had her mouth turned down nearly the whole time and even when someone said something amusing the corners of her mouth turned up but her eyes didn’t change.  (This is not a criticism just an observation, I wish I had thought to take a photo!) I was offered the chance to ask her a question so I repeated my experience, there was a sharp intake of breath throughout the room plus a bit of applause.  Sophie gave a brief answer and agreed to have a chat afterwards.

A few people came up and congratulated me on speaking out including another lady who had had a similar experience in the last year, and still no signature on the e-mail. One of my lunch companions who has a jewellery business sells products on their website but she was not surprised when I told her my story and agreed it was a good idea to question Sophie.  Alexandra Walton also approved of me speaking out and loved the name I dubbed them after my first encounter ‘NotUpTheHighStreetButUpOurselves’.  When I spoke to Sophie she was full of excuses – she said she had never replied to any applications and the person who sent my e-mail probably wasn’t working for them any more. Hmmm shouldn’t she be monitoring her staff? She also said that they couldn’t give advice – fair enough but no reason not to be polite.  Oh well say no more, I believe in Karma!

I would also like to extend my congratulations to the lovely Sarah Smith and Zoe Meredith of Yummy Lollies on winning the ‘Best Growing Business’ award.

*from the old BT ads – 2 friends have said that to me this week in regard to getting back on the phone instead of using text and e-mail.  I have to admit to being guilty of coming across a bit harshly in a message – not that it was really meant that way – but had I been speaking on the phone I could have transmitted that in the tone of my voice.

“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.” Leo Buscaglia

Following on from the last post – it’s been a rather emotional and soul searching week in many ways.

I have been single for the last couple of years having decided after my last relationship ended that it was time to learn to be happy on my own. I’d always been looking for the other person to make me happy and came to the realisation that unless I was content in myself I would never be happy with anyone else. I had tried internet dating but resolved that I would rather meet someone in the ‘real’ world. Running my own business I meet new people all the time so I thought it would be nice to make friends with someone and hopefully that would grow into something more. I even wrote down a description of what my ideal man would be like.

I love being single and am very satisfied with the way my life is going – maybe I should re-phrase that – I love being who I am single or in a relationship. However deep down we would all like to be with that ‘special’ someone. I used to get frustrated because all the decent men seemed to be married or in a relationship. Then came the thought – ‘The good ones are all taken now’ and going out with friends and having a good old moan about how they were all the same. What was I attracting into my life! A few months ago I made a conscious decision to notice the men that were single and suddenly there were loads of them including many who were already friends.

Although I started working with Ryan to help me with my business he has also made me feel a lot better about myself.   He pointed out at the Financial Independence Day most of his clients (who are friends as well) are women and I can see why.  It is little things like having a very good looking man calling you ‘Babe’ that makes you feel better inside.

So I wondered what would happen if I met someone I really liked? I now realise that for me if the ‘spark’ isn’t there when I first meet someone then it never will be, that was a bit of a revelation and not something I had really thought about before. My motto in life tends to be ‘Act first, think later’ the opposite of what we are taught growing up but I believe if you think too much you can always find loads of reasons for not doing anything and never act. I used to beat myself up about things I had done that could have been perceived as stupid but isn’t that just part of the learning?

So my dear readers I meet someone, the spark is there (I am very fussy believe me!) and now what?  Because I am in a totally different place (and I wasn’t on facebook either!) than I was when I last when my last relationship finished this threw up all kinds of issues for me. All the old stuff comes up – does he like me – will I see him again – is he going to call – etc. etc. I could see that it would be easy to slip back into old patterns of thinking if I wasn’t careful and end up feeling hurt and resentful.

A friend of mine Susanne Jorgensen is a Relationship Coach so I had a chat with her this week as she was offering a free consultation. We all set goals about what we want in our business and are told that we should make them very specific. I’ve also written goals about how I want my life to be in a year’s, 3 years’ and 5 years’ time. That included being in a relationship with a gorgeous man. Susanne made me see that I was sending out mixed messages because I wasn’t specific about what I wanted out of a relationship. ‘It’s not about them, it’s about what you want.’ Now to some people that may sound selfish but if you aren’t clear about what you want what happens? You end up feeling hurt, upset, frustrated and resentful and that isn’t going to make your partner feel good either.

So I sat down and wrote what I would like out of a relationship right now. I hadn’t really thought about that before. I wasn’t really sure until I started writing but I thought about how my life is now and how it would all fit together. I was then able to say how I felt and be completely honest.  It was like a great weight had been lifted.

Thanks Susanne.  You can visit her website The Singles Gym to find out more about how she helps people. And yes I was doing all the things in that list but no longer!

the shift

Earlier this year I decided I needed to get a mentor.  Having listened to successful people speak I realised they had all had help and no one does it alone.  Readers of this blog will be aware of what I think about some of these ‘seminars’ and I’ve definitely seen many dodgy speakers.  I went to the Social Media Summit in April for one day particularly to hear Ryan Pinnick. Looking back I’m not sure why, it may be because I had heard a couple of his webinars and I knew the name. There were the usual offers of a ‘business in a box’ – I want to scream every time I hear those words – with e-mail and telephone support if you are lucky.  Ryan however was offering something different – real life one to one mentoring so I signed up, not immediately as I never take any money to these things because I know how easy it is to get sucked in. There have been several altercations on Facebook in the last few months about the credentials of some of these speakers too.

Ryan was speaking at the Financial Independence Day last Saturday so being a client of his I had been invited and went along.  All I can say is wow – this really was a life changing experience.  I came away feeling extremely emotional because after having incurred debts from my previous business I could now see a way out.  The speakers and organisers were so warm and friendly and you could tell they genuinely cared.  I now know that by this time next year I will have no debt and a passive income.  And you can forget your affiliate links, squeeze pages, clickbank, pay per click etc. that’s chicken feed compared to this!

It’s very difficult to put into words, all I can say is you had to be there!  The next one is on 20 November, I’m booked on already.

It was Ryan’s birthday the following day, he stopped panning round when he got to me (I was in the front on the right) I didn’t think my singing was that bad!

This post has now been moved to http://glutenfreefoodies.wordpress.com/2010/07/20/drop-2-dress-sizes-by-summer/

You may or may not have noticed that Facebook have made a lot of changes to their fan pages in recent weeks. One of these changes is the ability to customise fan pages with HTML (or Static FBML as it is known on Facebook). Being a bit of a geek I got rather excited about this and decided to find out more. I asked a question on someone’s fan page where I had first read about it (not naming names here to protect the guilty) and later when I went back found the post had been deleted. I did notice that they were going to reveal more if everyone invited their friends when the page had 100 fans; one week on there’s still only 62 so I’m not likely to hang around!
I also tweeted a request for help and had two replies; both were links to Facebook fan pages. The first was just a list of different things they could do for you with prices and the second had a video explaining how to put a picture and a link on a customised page. Following the video and with my limited knowledge of HTML within about 5 minutes I had a new page with my logo on it. Ok, I know it doesn’t look very exciting at the moment but it’s a start!
Now out of those 2 replies and non-reply guess which page I have been recommending on Facebook, Twitter and anywhere else people are asking?

P.S. here is the video

Intro to Static FBML from BrandCraft on Vimeo.

Last week we went on holiday to West Wales in a cottage near Newport, Pembrokeshire. That is Newport Sands in the picture at the top of the blog taken from Carningli when we first went there 5 years ago and I decided then that I would like to retire to that part of the world. Last week we were blessed with perfect weather and no rain (a rarity in Wales!) and I thought why wait until I retire to move to such a lovely part of the world?

We visited Castell Henllys iron age fort, my son who wants to study ancient history had a long conversation with a historian in one of the houses. He observed that there was a lot of trading going on and many people are connected to this part of the world. There is even a Pengelli Forest just down the road. The stones used to build Stonehenge were taken from the Preseli Hills in this area. Compared to where we currently live in West Sussex the ancient magic is still there.
Our cottage was between Pentre Ifan, a Bronze Age megalithic site, and Carningli ‘The Hill of the Angels’. To get to Pentre Ifan you had to walk through the Ty Canol woods. You almost expected to see fairies skipping out from behind the trees! I noticed the writer in the previous link said the same thing. Although we have Cissbury and Chanctonbury Rings near Worthing the development and dual carriageways in the surrounding area has destroyed a lot of the atmosphere. We have ancient woodland at Titnore Woods but the local people are currently fighting the developers! And the sky at night had to be seen to be believed – I do not remember ever seeing so many stars before; as my son observed the longer you looked the more stars seemed to appear! Shame about the light pollution that ruins our night sky in most places.

We also visited the Centre for Alternative Technology in Powys. Sadly it has become very commercialised since my last visit in 1978 and there were many areas which the public were not allowed to go into. I did purchase a book ‘Free to be Human’ by David Edwards. It makes so much sense that our artificial lifestyle, state and coporate controlled media and totalitarian government is far more responsible for the increase in depression and other mental illnesses than ‘internal’ problems.

While I was there I felt so much more alive, my teenage boys (15 and 13) never once complained they were bored. They found pools full of tadpoles, frogs under rocks, played with sticks and climbed the rockpiles. Then time to come home, “Back to Reality,” my mum said. Really? What is reality? Shopping in supermarkets (there are more supermarkets in Worthing than there are in the whole of West Wales), traffic jams and impatient drivers speeding down the motorway (let me get stuck behind a tractor any day!), going to school to be ‘educated’ to get a J.O.B. and pay your taxes and council tax so the government can send our young men to fight their artificially created enemies and keep the Third World in bondage to the West. I’m trying to convince my kids that they don’t need to go to school, hopefully I’ll get there in the end! Thank goodness for the internet that can now allow us a location independent lifestyle.

I’m out of here. Be free.

A little poem I found on Facebook today…….

Have you ever felt like you knew someone a long, long time ago?
Another place, another time, a friendship of the souls?
Two people who share a bond for reasons neither know,
A feeling that they were friends, a long, long time ago

Did they stumble onto each other by pure circumstance,
Or was …it fate and destiny that played a certain hand?
Two souls intertwined, they are worlds apart,
But the soul, it knows no difference, in matters of the heart.

Somehow they are drawn together, fate has brought them back,
Each living worlds apart, they journey separate paths.
When this life is over, and a new life begins,
Their souls will find each other, two souls that we call friends

Thanks to Angel Messenger for this.