“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.” Leo Buscaglia
Following on from the last post – it’s been a rather emotional and soul searching week in many ways.
I have been single for the last couple of years having decided after my last relationship ended that it was time to learn to be happy on my own. I’d always been looking for the other person to make me happy and came to the realisation that unless I was content in myself I would never be happy with anyone else. I had tried internet dating but resolved that I would rather meet someone in the ‘real’ world. Running my own business I meet new people all the time so I thought it would be nice to make friends with someone and hopefully that would grow into something more. I even wrote down a description of what my ideal man would be like.
I love being single and am very satisfied with the way my life is going – maybe I should re-phrase that – I love being who I am single or in a relationship. However deep down we would all like to be with that ‘special’ someone. I used to get frustrated because all the decent men seemed to be married or in a relationship. Then came the thought – ‘The good ones are all taken now’ and going out with friends and having a good old moan about how they were all the same. What was I attracting into my life! A few months ago I made a conscious decision to notice the men that were single and suddenly there were loads of them including many who were already friends.
Although I started working with Ryan to help me with my business he has also made me feel a lot better about myself. He pointed out at the Financial Independence Day most of his clients (who are friends as well) are women and I can see why. It is little things like having a very good looking man calling you ‘Babe’ that makes you feel better inside.
So I wondered what would happen if I met someone I really liked? I now realise that for me if the ‘spark’ isn’t there when I first meet someone then it never will be, that was a bit of a revelation and not something I had really thought about before. My motto in life tends to be ‘Act first, think later’ the opposite of what we are taught growing up but I believe if you think too much you can always find loads of reasons for not doing anything and never act. I used to beat myself up about things I had done that could have been perceived as stupid but isn’t that just part of the learning?
So my dear readers I meet someone, the spark is there (I am very fussy believe me!) and now what? Because I am in a totally different place (and I wasn’t on facebook either!) than I was when I last when my last relationship finished this threw up all kinds of issues for me. All the old stuff comes up – does he like me – will I see him again – is he going to call – etc. etc. I could see that it would be easy to slip back into old patterns of thinking if I wasn’t careful and end up feeling hurt and resentful.
A friend of mine Susanne Jorgensen is a Relationship Coach so I had a chat with her this week as she was offering a free consultation. We all set goals about what we want in our business and are told that we should make them very specific. I’ve also written goals about how I want my life to be in a year’s, 3 years’ and 5 years’ time. That included being in a relationship with a gorgeous man. Susanne made me see that I was sending out mixed messages because I wasn’t specific about what I wanted out of a relationship. ‘It’s not about them, it’s about what you want.’ Now to some people that may sound selfish but if you aren’t clear about what you want what happens? You end up feeling hurt, upset, frustrated and resentful and that isn’t going to make your partner feel good either.
So I sat down and wrote what I would like out of a relationship right now. I hadn’t really thought about that before. I wasn’t really sure until I started writing but I thought about how my life is now and how it would all fit together. I was then able to say how I felt and be completely honest. It was like a great weight had been lifted.
Thanks Susanne. You can visit her website The Singles Gym to find out more about how she helps people. And yes I was doing all the things in that list but no longer!