The Shiny Object Syndrome

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Following my relationship revelation last week not surprisingly I’ve been doing a lot of thinking! As I wrote in a previous post I had a chat with Susanne Jorgensen of The Singles Gym about what I wanted out of a relationship.  This afternoon I was listening to a recording of a webinar she did last week and a lot of things fell into place.

As I said at the end of my last post I am extremely grateful to Bill for putting up that photo as it reminded me what it felt like to love and be loved.  It has helped me move forward and given me more clarity about what I want out of a relationship.  Susanne talked in her webinar about getting your own life the way you want it when you are single and then you can attract someone who will fit in with that.

I was only 17 when I met Richard, the attraction was instant.  As we got to know each other we were very similar in terms of our interests and our backgrounds.  When I met my ex-husband it was definitely a case of the ‘shiny object syndrome’ as well as being on the rebound.  He had appeared to live a glamorous life with lots of travel and I wanted some of that. I was only 19 and back then it was still mainly the husband that was the breadwinner so I never thought about going after it for myself! What I also wanted was a dependable, loving husband who was there for me.  The reality was very different – he was working away or long shifts a lot which put a strain on an already difficult relationship.  He wanted a wife who was a career type and I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum and he always resented the fact that I wasn’t bringing in much money when the kids were little.  Looking back a recipe for disaster; we both wanted completely different things.  I knew a few months before our wedding that I shouldn’t marry him but I was only 22 and not really in tune with my intuition back then.  Well not that I wasn’t in tune with it I hadn’t learnt to trust it.  His career always came before me and the family, he is an engineer and very good at his job but on the autistic spectrum when it comes to inter-personal relationships!  So sad really that he didn’t know the difference between sex and affection.

I am so grateful that I can now learn from my experience and move forward with clarity.

Young love…

…and be careful of marrying someone you met on the rebound!

Wow what emotions a picture can stir up!  Yesterday a friend of mine posted a picture on facebook of me when I was 17 with some friends and my first love, Richard.  The spooky thing was I realised it was almost 30 years to the day since we met.  Life was so much simpler then, we were so in love and thought we would spend the rest of our lives together.  I cannot even say we drifted apart we were always close. We broke up after I started university but always kept in touch; got together again then he went off to University.  I went to visit him there and a couple of weeks later I found out he had been seeing someone else.  The next day I met the man who then became my husband (see previous post on domestic abuse).  Richard and I continued to write to each other (no text or e-mail in those days) until I got married and then it didn’t seem appropriate to write to him any more.  I always regretted not keeping in touch with him and now I have no idea where he is.  The last time I saw him was a few months before I got married in 1986, it was evident we still had feelings for each other but back then I felt that I had made a commitment even though I knew I didn’t love the man I was going to marry. The perils of getting married too young and parents who did not approve of us living together! I guess I’ll never know what would have happened.

I just want to say thanks to Bill for posting up the picture and reminding me what it really feels like to love someone and be loved in return.






Domestic Abuse Awareness

I wrote this a couple of days ago in my daily writing session and thought I would do my bit to raise awareness – it is written from the heart and completely unedited.

I saw a link on facebook the other day about October being Domestic Violence awareness month.  It seems every week or month is an awareness something or other!  I changed the title to domestic abuse because when we hear violence we think about physical abuse yet the emotional and verbal abuse can be far more scarring.

I am a lot more open than I used to be about my feelings and what is going on in my life so when I saw this link it made me realise that I don’t talk much the abuse I suffered in my marriage.  Not that I am bitter or want to dwell on it, it’s in the past now (apart from the odd incident as I still have to have contact with him) but it still goes on and a lot of people – for obvious reasons – cannot talk about it.

I was married for 15 years, we didn’t live together first as my parents did not approve so we thought we might as well get married anyway as we were already engaged.  When I first moved in with him it was a complete shock as I realised I did not really know this man.  Looking back I can see that he was (and still is) very insecure which made him very controlling.  I also suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum because he hated anything to change and everything had to be done his way.

Because of my upbringing and the conventions of the time (which were slowly changing) I believed that I had an obligation to make my marriage work.  I knew deep down I didn’t love him but I could not put my finger on why because I did when we first met and I couldn’t find any rational reason so put it down to pre-wedding nerves.  This was probably my first lesson that you should always trust your instincts!

I knew after about 12 years (I had thought about leaving him before this but ended up pregnant) I had to get out for me and for my children.  The language he used used to upset me and he did not temper it in front of the kids.  After he had gone off on one of his rages he would always be apologetic but I wanted him to promise not to do it again but he wouldn’t and so the cycle went on.

I was too afraid to talk to anyone about it and probably stayed with him for so long because I was afraid what he would do if I left.  He used to put me down all the time and I always felt that he wanted to me to be someone I wasn’t.  I was guilty of that too because I wanted a loving, affectionate husband but because of his autism issues I realise that that would never have happened.  I realised I was happier when he wasn’t there – he used to work abroad a lot so then I prayed and prayed to have the strength to end it.

I love the way the universe conspires to make things happen if they are for our higher good.  The day I made the decision (I still remember the date – 21st June 2001) I got a mosquito bite on my wedding finger so couldn’t wear my ring and lost the stone in my engagement ring.  I’m not sure if it was a sign but to me it was very portentous.

I cannot say how much the prayers worked, whether you believe in God or not they certainly gave me inner strength.  From all the put-downs and belittling I had put up with (often in front of other people) I had lost a lot of my confidence.  If someone continually tells you that you are useless you start to believe it!  It was also difficult because he was the breadwinner and terrible with money so that caused a lot of friction too.  He was away a lot and the kids were little so it was difficult for me to get work that would make it worth my while after child care costs.  How different things are now with the rise of the internet for business!

It took him nearly a year to move out – and then that was only because he met someone else.  It is very sad for anyone to be so insecure that they are afraid to be on their own. I now know that if you don’t love and respect yourself you won’t be able to respect others in the same way.

As I said I don’t feel bitter, I have learnt a lot from the experience and am a lot stronger as a result.  I know I took a lot of my resentment out on my eldest son and I would do anything to take that back but I can’t.  We are a lot closer now and I can love him for who he is.  I suppose I was also lucky that there wasn’t a real physical threat although he did use his size (he is a lot taller than me) to his advantage.

I used to cry going into university and work and often at night in bed nearly every day.  The crunch came when he had been away for a few months and I noticed that I hadn’t been crying any more.  I used to hate it the way the kids used to go and hide upstairs when he was having one of his rages and if I ever cuddled them he would accuse me of hiding behind them! Shocking I realise as I write this but having brought the kids up practically on my own we are very close.

No one should have to live in fear so I hope that the issues are brought more into people’s awareness this month and more people have the courage to move on.

Writing can be habit-forming

They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit – 2 down 19 to go.  I looked back over what I had written yesterday and I could not remember much of it – interesting what happens when you write from the heart. As it took the form of a letter I am still in 2 minds whether to send it. Perhaps readers you can leave your thoughts in the comment box below.

Today I have been writing about happiness and my take on it – a big subject and loads more to say!

Toodle-pip! xx


It’s good to write…

and take action!

Following on from yesterday’s post I said I had decided I was going to write a book. Although I have lots of ideas I don’t know yet what it is going to be about specifically. After meditating this morning I was talking to one of my friends and he said he had been thinking about writing a book too. We discussed ways about going about it and decided that it was probably best just to write something every day. I believe that is what professional writers do even though they may not be feeling inspired.

So I took my laptop and sat in my living room having set the timer on the cooker for 25 minutes and started writing. We had discussed the merits of writing by hand or typing. I originally thought writing by hand would be better but then decided against it because my handwriting is not very legible! Also this way I can keep it all in a folder on the laptop, in date order and see how it evolves.

I just wrote from the heart and what came up did surprise me slightly. I am not going to say exactly what because it was quite personal. I realised after I had written a couple of paragraphs that I was actually writing a letter. I didn’t edit it at all. I’m not sure if I will send it but the universe knows I have written it. Can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!