A few years ago I had a chat with a friend who is a relationship coach and asked her how she worked. She told me that it was important to be clear on what you want in a partner and a relationship. I had never really thought about it before because a belief I formed in childhood was that what I wanted didn’t matter. It was also selfish, or so I thought. She explained that it wasn’t selfish and that if you didn’t know what you wanted how would you ever get it?
I spent probably the best part of the first 40+ years of my life putting my needs last. When I got married I moved away from the place where I grew up and all my friends. I had said I didn’t want to live there but it was implied that as my fiancé had a job in that area I had no choice but to go where he wanted. I was 22 going on 23! I had serious doubts before my marriage but thought it was pre-wedding nerves. I couldn’t go upsetting people now could I? Especially after all the plans we’d made and the money that had been spent.
I knew how I wanted my wedding to be from a very young age (as many little girls do) – and it was pretty much that. I hadn’t thought about the type of man though or what would happen afterwards. Neither did anyone ask me. My mother was married very young (and my parents are still together after more than 56 years) so I assumed that was what you did.
Since my divorce I was certain at first what I didn’t want! I dated a couple of men and one said to me, sounding frustrated, ‘But I don’t know what you want Helen.’ And neither did I. I couldn’t answer him.
I then decided I needed to take time out and learn to be happy on my own. I was getting clearer all the time, based on past experiences, what had worked and what hadn’t. It is still evolving but at present looks pretty much like this:
- He has his own business and has an entrepreneurial mindset.
- He has been married and has grown up children. (I’ve done parenting, he understands my children are important and is ready for commitment.) Grandchildren is a bonus as I don’t have any of my own yet!
- He has his own interests but puts our relationship as a priority and sticks to our plans unless it’s an absolute emergency. He is in regular contact even when we are busy.
- He is adventurous and enjoys travel.
- He is spiritual.
- He is tall.
- There is a connection with the past. At my age I want a friendship as a foundation to build on.
- He makes me laugh.
- I can talk to him about anything and he values my opinions even if he doesn’t agree with me.
- He is solvent with an abundant mindset. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself as I have done so for the past 15 years. It is more to do with his beliefs around money. I have dated men who had a terrible lack mentality.
- He has been single for at least a year. (He has moved on from his ex completely.)
- He is my best friend.
Phew, that seems like a rather tall order! Only kidding, by being clear can I attract the right man. I have done that in the past trying to convince myself it doesn’t matter if one or two are missing. Believe me, it does. It also saves a lot of time. It is also important to put the statements in positive form and in the present tense. We are also putting the intention into our subconscious mind. Often the qualities we want to attract are a reflection of the qualities we like in ourselves.
What you focus on magnifies. When you buy a new car, for example, you then start to notice more cars of the same make because it has been brought into your awareness. I have noticed over the last couple of years any men who have sparked my interest have come closer to what I want each time. They have also become closer in physical location. This has helped me become more confident and open.
So then all I had to do was put the intention out into the universe and wait…